I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Randomize
