Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
