i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
