Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
