allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
