the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
