no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Randomize
