I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
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