You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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