Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Randomize