"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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