I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
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