it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
