Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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