i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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