Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
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