Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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