Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
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