Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
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