Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I just want to make out with him forever
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