I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
