i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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