girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Randomize
