At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
