im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
Hilbilly word of the day is cedar, example....I knowed she ain\'t got no panties on cuz I cedar cooter.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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