When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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