I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
