i think my tv is drunk
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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