Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Randomize
