At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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