Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
I'm just crazy horny about you
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
