Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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