someone threw a dead crab at me
tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
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