Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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