there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
