His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
