I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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