This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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