Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
