I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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