I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Randomize