im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Randomize
