I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
