Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
