So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize