twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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