Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
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