woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize