Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize
