Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
