My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
