I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
