Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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