good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
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