sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Randomize
