Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
