he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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