well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Randomize
