I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Randomize
