We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
