is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
