Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
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