mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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