I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
