Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Randomize
