Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize