Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
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