dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Shitshow foam night was such a success
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
