You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
the raccoons are back...
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