I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
