I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
