My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
